Learning and letting go

In a magical turn of things, I am lucky I get to hear your voice three to four times a week (well hopefully without you knowing it). It helps with the coping process of moving on and looking forward and enjoying what is actually in front of you. 

Today talks about how the past deserves appreciation but we should also learn to be actually living in the moment and getting the most of our actual (physical) present. I must admit, this is you letting go, in my ear. It cuts something deep in me. There is a rejection indirectly pointed out. But you’re right, we cannot be too attached with our past or we will find it hard to celebrate the present. 

I just want to put it out there that the past will always have a Priceless value to me although that is all that it is going to be. I will carefully choose to feel every  aspect of this ‘creative suffering’.

Borrowing your own words “flight over fight”... I will let you be happy with your flight so I may (hopefully) in mine.

I pray for better, bearable days. 

(Present state: learning to let go)

Forceful Steps Forward

Maybe this is how things should be on the road towards a silent ending. 

Urgh what a struggle to focus on this screaming and deafening reminder from the innermost sense of my brain emphasizing the lines...

 “no! don’t you dare deviate from the course this situation is leading now, can’t you see this is the chance to stay on track? And it might be the ONLY CHANCE! So brace up! Don’t sweat this”

...because my frustrated and hurt heart goes wailing at every turn in the very cramped space I allowed it to be weak and vulnerable 😭😭😭. 

Like a lunatic I give myself a pat on the shoulder minutes after cry outs for successfully blocking my every urge to reach you so far. But I must say, it is a frustrating path, a painful one. A heartbreaking journey of forceful steps forward being taken one ant step at a time... 

It is so weakening to stand up to self enforced principles just because you know that what is happening will eventually lead to the wisdom of the righteous... and  I am just crushed to be in the center of the fuckin famous lines that says “being right is not always what makes us happy. 💔”

From a distance

I have always been better at loving from a distance...

Experience-wise I am awful at expressly showing how I truly feel. I somehow acquired an innate automation in turning off self expressions that exposes vulnerability to situations. I have this irritating manner of deciding outright “hands-off” to situations I can’t seem to control or win over. Honestly, I find people too controlling in these situations and every time I do I really tend to back off. Comfort zones are there for a reason. They are our go-to place when situations are too overwhelming. 

We have our own pacing in dealing with life. Even the worrying on how it affects us and those closest to us varies in intensity... so it is never right to force things. 

Loving quietly, in a distance might sound sad but maybe not in mine... sometimes dealing with your feelings and your own issues alone and building up someone in you mind creates a better version of your emotional quotient 😉

Holding On

In a time of confusion, fear, loving, frustration, hopelessness... there is a self-struggle to assess, time and again, the meaning, the reason, the purpose of the present situation. This constant state of battling with feelings and ideals is, in its truest sense, exhausting. In the process, my daily game of Russian roulette is loaded with ammunitions varying from disturbed expectations, a heart broken and devoid of love, a floating hollow existence, a tricky dissembling happiness, and anti climactic victories. In the end, I always find it disheartening that I cannot come to terms with the finality of the conflicting decisions of my indecisive heart and seemingly perturbed thinking.

(State of mind: missing someone and fighting it)

Twisted Realities of the Present

Ever felt like being in the height of your own feelings and emotions, 

you feel like you are the  Center of all energy

and all that gravity is pulling you away from what you wholeheartledly decided to Love and protect

so you crash your Angel wings

crumple the halo

push out your devil horns

and set all your bodily thorns

ready to strike at every blaze of fire thrown

Well... I think I had, in the past

When I was younger 

Good thing I now know better

And it’s disorienting to see someone Go through something like that

I see her in the mindset of thinking that what she’s doing is right

That her family does not deserve any apology from her end

That she is better off being with this someone she just met than going home to her own family 

Its infuriating to think of the Selfishness behind these actions

Oh I just hope she’ll come around soon on her own realization

I hope pride Will not take its toll...

Parents do not deserve going through their grown up child’s foolish childish selfish decisions 

Im never the person good at meddling with other’s stuff even if I find it Wrong... anyway I don’t think it will do any good even if I push myself to, 

It is clearly not gonna work 
Given Her present twisted reality.

Dawa... Avek dana 😊

(Mindset : pissed at someone’s immaturity then I thought hey, I was once that person)

My 2020 Hole

It’s the first day of work for 2020 and boo, Cindy is not around anymore to add to the office craziness...

Cindy was with me when tourism opened its first official office, now we are in our third and best location yet... but somehow along the way she might have felt exhausted that she resigned to take care of their little cutie bundle, Winter Amian ❤️

Her last day at the Office (December 27, 2019)

I envy her at some point because she had the courage to leave even if her finances afterwards are uncertain. 

I envy her for now having her full time taking care of her daughter 

I envy her for she won’t get stressed with the daily havoc of having to deal with clients

But more than that 

I love her for the energy she gave wholeheartedly to the office

I love her for deciding to take the road less travelled

I love her for what she wants herself and her family to be

Thank you Cindy... 

I am missing you a lot... we all do.

I pray for your happiness and of Jhai and Winter.

There is no goodbye for us... 

Not seeing you five days a week surely made a hole in our hearts but knowing that you are happy lessens the gloomy feeling.

So we will see you around...

Make up for this hole you made...

right pretty? ❤️😊