Forceful Steps Forward

Maybe this is how things should be on the road towards a silent ending. 

Urgh what a struggle to focus on this screaming and deafening reminder from the innermost sense of my brain emphasizing the lines...

 “no! don’t you dare deviate from the course this situation is leading now, can’t you see this is the chance to stay on track? And it might be the ONLY CHANCE! So brace up! Don’t sweat this”

...because my frustrated and hurt heart goes wailing at every turn in the very cramped space I allowed it to be weak and vulnerable 😭😭😭. 

Like a lunatic I give myself a pat on the shoulder minutes after cry outs for successfully blocking my every urge to reach you so far. But I must say, it is a frustrating path, a painful one. A heartbreaking journey of forceful steps forward being taken one ant step at a time... 

It is so weakening to stand up to self enforced principles just because you know that what is happening will eventually lead to the wisdom of the righteous... and  I am just crushed to be in the center of the fuckin famous lines that says “being right is not always what makes us happy. 💔”

From a distance

I have always been better at loving from a distance...

Experience-wise I am awful at expressly showing how I truly feel. I somehow acquired an innate automation in turning off self expressions that exposes vulnerability to situations. I have this irritating manner of deciding outright “hands-off” to situations I can’t seem to control or win over. Honestly, I find people too controlling in these situations and every time I do I really tend to back off. Comfort zones are there for a reason. They are our go-to place when situations are too overwhelming. 

We have our own pacing in dealing with life. Even the worrying on how it affects us and those closest to us varies in intensity... so it is never right to force things. 

Loving quietly, in a distance might sound sad but maybe not in mine... sometimes dealing with your feelings and your own issues alone and building up someone in you mind creates a better version of your emotional quotient 😉

Holding On

In a time of confusion, fear, loving, frustration, hopelessness... there is a self-struggle to assess, time and again, the meaning, the reason, the purpose of the present situation. This constant state of battling with feelings and ideals is, in its truest sense, exhausting. In the process, my daily game of Russian roulette is loaded with ammunitions varying from disturbed expectations, a heart broken and devoid of love, a floating hollow existence, a tricky dissembling happiness, and anti climactic victories. In the end, I always find it disheartening that I cannot come to terms with the finality of the conflicting decisions of my indecisive heart and seemingly perturbed thinking.

(State of mind: missing someone and fighting it)