and once again i melt...

like an ice cream ... i hate highschoolish feeling but goose bumps are still fun. nakakatuwa na nakakatawa.

reminder: to avoid melting all the way, avoid sitting at the back row so you won't have the freedom to stare!

a backgroud kind of love

ever felt that? do you even know how it works? well i know... and i won't define it here for your convenience coz that would mean pouring myself out which is a total no NO!

saddened

what could be more hurtful than seeing your dream being handed down to somebody else who didn't didn't even for once thought of ever receiving it.

i'm so beaten, i feel all worthless at the same time. i don't know where i'm getting my will to work anymore.

my whole being is crashed.

kapayvanuvanua

Kapayvanuvanua – March 6 2010
Diura, Mahatao

Kapayvanuvanua is a ritual done by the fishermen of the Fishing Village in Diura, Mahatao. It is practiced every March in the beginning of the Fishing season. They kill a pig and predict the season by interpreting the veins and overall outlook of the liver of the offering. Specifically, the fish that they catch in this part of the province is the durado, a silver big fish in the sea and a beautiful golden one when out of the water. The fish costs around P500.00 per piece when sold dried.

Ryan Donato informed me that tataya owners who lend their fishing boats to the fishermen in the place will only get their share when the season is over (an effect of their belief).

The Ritual as I observed

It wasn’t totally dark at 5am. The moon was already showing half of its face although it was cloudy. Flashlights hit us every now and then as the press people, observers and ritual participants started to gather by the beachfront. Somewhere near the gathering, a pig struggled to free itself from the ropes that tie its feet and mouth.

As the fishermen waited for their leader, they started putting out their cellular phones and texted. Soon, the roll call began. Some of the outsiders paid around 250-300 pesos to be part of the roll call. Before the actual ritual started, a tour guide briefed us, we are not to make jokes and ask questions, not to take pictures at water’s reach and not to engage in small unnecessary talks.
They then went to get the tied pig… carried by 4 men, they laid it about 3 meters near the calmly moving sea. Some fishermen went to get the cogon to burn the offering with. In all these, the interpreter which I assume is also the leader only watched.

When slight light started to brighten the shore, the men tightly held the pig and the leader bore a knife to its neck (neck ba un? hehe). As they did, the leader started talking to the unseen, facing the pig, his back against the sea. Here are some of the lines he chanted… (I wasn’t able to record the whole chant).
… a makayapu du manuma umdinaw am vayavayaten… an mian mangwan a kadwan du lugar aya mana sadiawen na u lugar aya, am an angu angay na parinen, an kapaywuswus na kumaru am mununut siya… nu vatahen nu nanma maytataw am chadima mana chapuhu am mian raherahet na, amna peahen namen ava… (Whoever shall come to the place to own it or do bad things to it, whatever he will do will come back to him)

Then the leader stands up, walks forward, spoke some more and took the first sip of the palek, ivatan wine. When he’s done, his assistant gave everyone a dose of the palek, including children (everyone around must taste).

After this, they burned the pig, cleaned the black stain with sea water and started cutting. The bolo they used was dull, the cutter said bawal ang matalas. They cut the pig very carefully for they must get the whole liver without any cuts to it. The leader then interpreted what the veins and the overall outlook of the liver is saying. everyone listened…
…Ravanchi kayan na as ravanchi kabu na. avavak danan rayon u kavid na. jirad mangamung am mavid ya… (it won’t be plenty yet it won’t be few. The best catch will be by midsummer. For fisher folks, this is a good sign).

After the reading, the pig’s left pata was handed to the old man. He and his right man walked along the shore to the middle of the vanwa. As they reach the center of the vanwa, he raised the meat 4 times while chanting. We weren’t able to hear the chant because we weren’t permitted to come close him anymore. After the fourth raise, he paused and walked towards his right, this time, alone. His right man stayed where he was. As the old man walked, half dragged half carried the meat to where the water barely reaches it as if to tempt the sea with the meat. After a while he raised the meat again, 3 times and chanting still. He went back to his right man, still dragging the meat and together they walked back to us.

The ritual is a whole day affair. As the leader and his right man were doing their ‘thing’, the rest of the fishermen and housewives of the community were already preparing the pork for late breakfast and lunch.

A young carabao was also brought to the shore. They wrestled with it and killed it just like the way they did with the pig.

Conclusion and questions:

It was a pricey ritual. Well I don’t know who donated the pig and the carabao but those could’ve cost around 35,000 and up.

Participants’ texting before the roll call is an eyesore for the ritual. Plus, they themselves were joking as they cut the pig. It’s as if they weren’t serious with the ritual. Hmmm.

During the roll call some of us who weren’t even fishermen were also called out, because they paid 250-300 to the group. Why is that? I wasn’t able to ask at the time because we weren’t permitted to ask just yet.

Since we already left when they started burning the carabao, I don’t know what happened next. Will they interpret its liver again? What if the reading opposes that of the pig?

I wonder what happened to the pata that the leader dragged. Was it his share? Did they also cook it for lunch? Or they threw it to the sea?

Anyway, all in all, it was a nice ritual. The sharing and unity of the people in the small fishing village is remarkable. Everybody was tasked to do something for the affair and they get to bond with one another for a whole day as they look forward to a bountiful fishing season. Now isn’t that wonderful.

as a 2010 INHS JS guest speaker

2010 INHS JS Promenade Message
By Hegel Ruiz

Distinguished and admirable Principal of our much loved Alma Mater, Mr. Alfredo A. Tabuso, our beloved mentors specially to our then very good advisers, my dear seniors and juniors of schoolyear 2009-2010, the very cause of having me here tonight, dear parents who came to witness their child’s prom night/ students, friends, ladies and gentlemen, a pleasant evening!

Barely seven and six years ago, I was exactly at your position, dreaming of a wonderful and memorable night. And I tell you, it was indeed a wonderful evening. I know that your class lessons this week that your teachers so lovingly taught you, only passed from one ear to another, and every afternoon, even though you know that ma’am Ruiz, ma’am Barsana, sir Acaya and sir Castaño are probably going to raise their voices because you won’t listen to their instructions, I know that you always anticipate the 5:00 call time for JS rehearsal because you were excited enough for tonight’s events. My dear juniors and seniors, am I not right? Is not this evening the most awaited night especially to those who are eyeing to dance with their crushes?

Before everything else I want to congratulate the juniors and seniors for pulling off this memorable event, I remembered us being the first to celebrate prom at the INHS quadrangle, and you, you are having it here at the municipal plaza, this is a grand turnaround of events. Congratulations every one! This is a proof that INHS is a work in progress. It develops in time, yet it maintains its values.
My dear Seniors and Juniors, Highschool is our building block to our dream future, to the relationships that we go through and to the real world. If we do good during our highschool days, there’s a good chance we will be great contributors to our country. This time in your lives can be the indicator to what you will become. So if you want to be great someday, might as well start it early.

But the road to success is not easy I must tell you. You might face failures and disappointments along the way but the important thing is to not give up, to never give up. I will share you some principles that had brought me to where I am today and I hope it will bring you to the place you want yourself to be someday.
The first one, (the challenge behind the word wisdom) is Virtue: I know we always hear wisdom but virtue, rarely. Wisdom or knowing the right thing to do is already imbedded to all of us. All of us have wisdom. That sash that the valedictorian is supposed to wear during the field day cadena de amor is a symbol, and it doesn’t mean that only her has the wisdom, we all have, wisdom as I say is knowing the right thing to do, and we have that as a God given gift. The bigger challenge behind wisdom is virtue, not everyone has the virtue or the will to do what we know is right. Virtue is making ourselves act and do things. Without virtue, we can never really say that there is learning. It is like knowing our class rules, our teacher’s rules, but we cannot follow because we cannot make ourselves follow. So I challenge you, make things happen. Do not just know which is right and wrong… apply it, make the change that you want to be, chase your dreams, do not wait for it to present itself in front of you without doing anything because it wont, make it happen!
I kind of learned virtue in both the easy and hard ways. When I was in College, I once had a 7am class, and in the city, that means you have to stand up at 5am even though you slept at 2am or not slept at all because of reviewing only to arrive at your classroom on time. For someone who loves the bed, it makes me want to throw the alarm clock every time so I locate the alarm clock far enough so I will have to walk to reach it and by the time I reached it, I am already awake, and if not.. I rush to the bathroom and pour water onto my head. And in the long run, it did me good because I did not have a single absent in that class and I gained more than the others. Now that is just the easy part, the harder part for me, is realizing that in college, I have to rely 90% on myself to finish my studies. There will be no mother to finish my gantsilyo project, or to re lecture to me math lessons I simply did not listen to in class, no Ma’am Cabalce to instruct me on the next steps to do regarding leadership, no Ma’am Gecha to check if the batch is still on track or we loss our way... only then did I started making my weekly goals and post it on my door and thinking endlessly of the what if’s if I won’t meet that goal. My dear Juniors and Seniors, this is also to say that discipline is the brother of virtue. Discipline puts you on the right track and even though it sometimes requires sacrifice, the fruit of discipline is sweet and rewarding.

In highschool, we faced a lot of disciplining, and for those who haven’t deciphered it yet, it also includes when your adviser says, pag di kayo naglinya wag na kaung sumali or when Ma’am Cabalce will say, o pag wala ng sasayaw itigil na natin. From simple listening to instruction, to following what’s being asked to actually doing it. We’re lucky in high school because we have our dear teachers who will guide us every day. In college as I painfully realized, we pretty much rely on ourselves. Looking at the big picture, we do not wait for instructions from advisers anymore. This is when virtue and discipline will be the major actors in our decision making. It is when we will decide for ourselves and become liable to those decisions. My dear Students especially the seniors I hope you come to school to help yourselves learn more and gain more. I know one quote displayed in your classroom that says “Learning is not attained by chance, it must be attended with diligence. That means we have to work to be able to gain. Success is better when we worked hard for it. take my word for that.

The second one is very simple, to be Happy. My dear juniors and seniors, you have to remember that when you have stopped being happy, you also have stopped living. Success is not measured by merely graduating and getting the best job in town, success does not only mean you graduated in top honors and enrolled in the best school (although they are good contributors). Success also depends upon your happiness, contentment and the benefits that others gained from your success. So determine what makes you happy and stick with it. Happiness may not necessarily correspond to the logical things to do. Happiness may not be read in books, it is subjective and felt truly by you. I made my decision to work here in our province long before I graduated that is because I know I will be happy here. Sometimes what determines your happiness is not what people tell you, you must do. It is knowing what you love the most and pursuing it. In college, there will be student organizations in your school/campus that will offer different types of learning activities, believing in the fact that learning is not confined in the four corners of the classroom… I urge you to join the organization that will interest you. You can join an academic org and organize trainings for your schoolmates or be a volunteer and help teach the deprived or rather be a performer and show your talents and skills. Do not be afraid to learn. But still this is if it will not bother your studies. Remember it is our primary duty, for our parents and for ourselves to finish our education on time. Yet it is also great to maximize learning. In high school it is also known as the extracurricular activities, I know very good dancers, singers, athletes and leaders from your group, enhance and share your skills, wag niyong ipagdadamot ang kakayahan nio ha. You are lucky to have deciphered where you are good at and I hope you will also be patient in being the instrument for others in their process of discovering their potentials.

Being appreciative and a positive thinker is also an add-on to happiness. When we see the good in people instead of their wrong, if we learn to acknowledge even the tiniest blessings, and if we offer a smile to the people that we meet on the streets, we will be able to bring happiness not only to ourselves but we will also spread love to the people around us.

My dear juniors and seniors, this is your special night, if you will apply this principles from tonight onwards, I assure you, you will have wonderful memories to share throughout your lives. So I will tell you, enjoy life, just like tonight. And for the seniors, for the remaining days in high school, you will never be able to come back in this stage, so cherish it. Your classmates will eventually become your lifetime barkada, do something good to them for the remaining days before graduation and also bond well with your juniors and vice versa so that wherever life may bring you someday, they will always want to come back in our lovely province because of the good memories you shared. But I have to say, although it is not a sin to enjoy, we still have to know our boundaries, ok?

The last of my principles is Prayer. Same advice that we as juniors got from our then good speaker kuya Roland in 2002 is to pray and ask for the Almighty’s guidance in all that we do. We have to realize, that what we are, and what we will become is not purely under our own wills. Although it is right that we have to make things happen for us, it is still He who knows what is best for us, and He will be the one to grant us what we want when He knows it is the right time. May we always seek His guidance and blessing in all we do and never forget to thank Him for every little blessings that He brings us.

As I end my message, let me again remind you… Virtue equipped with the right discipline, staying Happy by sharing love to one another and prayers to give us strength and guidance in all that we do, will surely make your studying days fruitful and will lead you to your dream of success.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure. Thank you and good evening!

garren paul

Garren Paul (below) and Greyden John (above)

my two lovely and huggable nephews.

now this is exciting...

on May will be my first time to vote! and on top of that.. i get to serve as one of the municipal canvasser chuchu... (it's still not definite yet, they just got my name for the listing).

and i'm quite excited! i don't know if i'm being responsible as a citizen or i just want the wage haha. i guess both triggers me.

tentative date of seminar-training is on the 18th to the 21st of feb... and damn yes! that includes my birthday. so maybe, after the training, i'll just go home and drink hehe.

joy is not always joy...

my good friend joy baldomar loss her baby today... she's been married for almost three years now and only got pregnant three months ago.

i know she'll cry about this. i too am saddened. this irony of life keeps on puzzling every human being. those that dont want babies get theirs, those that desperately long for kids are not granted even one.

i know that people who face these trials secretly and unsecretly question God for having to pass though these hardships but the Baldomar couple try to sweep out those questions knowing better that they should never question His will. The good thing about all this is that i can see they become closer to the Creator.

i hope they'll get pregnant again soon. they deserve it and they will be great parents.

finally deciding...

ok... another issue i have is NOT wanting to share this blog to anyone, even to the people i love. it's kind of my online journal kasi and i'm afraid to be criticized and judged with what i write...

but then i thought, maybe it's alright(i never told anyone of my web address but it's now included in my info details sa facebook). it's not like i'm trying to be a writer or something (because i so suck at this). i just want to be me. and in case somebody commented something i don't like.. i can always delete delete delete.. or ban the site for comments at all hehe.

so people, i welcome you to my site! be kind.

silly cry

now i remember one incident in high school which so totally says "I HATE BEING A LOSER"

one day when we were still juniors, there was an election for student body officers and i ran for the secretary position... i lose by one point... ONE POINT! i wouldn't be that hurt since in ordinary circumstances, it was a pretty good fight, considering that my opponent was a senior student already. but then, it was not an ordinary circumstance, see i stayed during the counting and i looked at the papers as they announce... i saw (recognizing the penmanship of my classmates) that my crush who is also my suitor back then DID NOT VOTE FOR ME! now THAT really hurt! so i went home crying and mom saw me and she laughed. pretty sucks huh. hahaha. she didnt know the whole story, she just knew i lose by one point.

ofcourse i did never forgive him, eventhough he justified that he voted against me because he was also a candidate of the opposing party.. but whatever. i think, boys in highschool cant stand it if the girl they want is soaring higher than they are. such pride for little losers haha.

.... i just remembered this incident while layouting the JS invitation program of INHS...
anyway, this is one example of mishandling myself when i'm at bottom end. it's not a happy place to be. and it did turn me into something different.... now, i believe that avoiding to lose is avoiding any competition. as long as i'm not downgraded, i keep silent, i hide in my comfort zone... to where i am at peace.

pressured...

on the 12th of february, the Ivana National High School will hold its usual JS prom...


here's the thing.. i was asked to be their guest speaker!

honestly, i dont wanna do it.. i mean, i'm not permanent yet. and simply, i dont feel good enough. not as good as kuya lan was when he made his speech to us when we were just juniors.

but what the heck.. can't say no to the dearest alma mater ryt? howkey... so i only get what.. 10 days left to figure out what to say... stressful!

i just wish i'm inspired enough to write! Aja! help me dear self .. make me bright again! *wooosh*