Twisted Realities of the Present

Ever felt like being in the height of your own feelings and emotions, 

you feel like you are the  Center of all energy

and all that gravity is pulling you away from what you wholeheartledly decided to Love and protect

so you crash your Angel wings

crumple the halo

push out your devil horns

and set all your bodily thorns

ready to strike at every blaze of fire thrown

Well... I think I had, in the past

When I was younger 

Good thing I now know better

And it’s disorienting to see someone Go through something like that

I see her in the mindset of thinking that what she’s doing is right

That her family does not deserve any apology from her end

That she is better off being with this someone she just met than going home to her own family 

Its infuriating to think of the Selfishness behind these actions

Oh I just hope she’ll come around soon on her own realization

I hope pride Will not take its toll...

Parents do not deserve going through their grown up child’s foolish childish selfish decisions 

Im never the person good at meddling with other’s stuff even if I find it Wrong... anyway I don’t think it will do any good even if I push myself to, 

It is clearly not gonna work 
Given Her present twisted reality.

Dawa... Avek dana 😊

(Mindset : pissed at someone’s immaturity then I thought hey, I was once that person)

My 2020 Hole

It’s the first day of work for 2020 and boo, Cindy is not around anymore to add to the office craziness...

Cindy was with me when tourism opened its first official office, now we are in our third and best location yet... but somehow along the way she might have felt exhausted that she resigned to take care of their little cutie bundle, Winter Amian ❤️

Her last day at the Office (December 27, 2019)

I envy her at some point because she had the courage to leave even if her finances afterwards are uncertain. 

I envy her for now having her full time taking care of her daughter 

I envy her for she won’t get stressed with the daily havoc of having to deal with clients

But more than that 

I love her for the energy she gave wholeheartedly to the office

I love her for deciding to take the road less travelled

I love her for what she wants herself and her family to be

Thank you Cindy... 

I am missing you a lot... we all do.

I pray for your happiness and of Jhai and Winter.

There is no goodbye for us... 

Not seeing you five days a week surely made a hole in our hearts but knowing that you are happy lessens the gloomy feeling.

So we will see you around...

Make up for this hole you made...

right pretty? ❤️😊

In retrospect

2019 had been kind... not all that stress-free but all in all, bearable.

There were certainly moments when I was forced to look stronger than what I really felt because I know my love ones depended on that reliable fake facade and so I did. And I am thankful that I was given that courage if only to lessen the worries of others, especially my Eric ❤️.
I learned to take things lightly... I was lucky to have stumbled upon a book at book sale that inspired me a lot... every page of it is so worth the read. It is now one of my priced possessions ❤️

I don’t know what’s in store for 2020. I pray for the best. I know work will be as demanding as ever with two direct reports leaving but I am grateful to have a working boss that clearly knows what she wants and office companions that are equally dedicated to deliver better service. The team I had in 2019 were so talented and responsible... for that alone I am grateful 🙏🏼

At home, Chase turned to be a sweet little kid at six. He clings so much at mommy though. Doesn’t want to eat without me sitting beside him, does not lay down on bed if I’m not sleeping with him, even fears taking a bath with ama without me inside the bathroom too 🙄. He finds comfort with my presence and I think its cute but I don’t want him to overdo it. I’m glad that he now listens more when given instructions and seldom (almost never) throws tantrums. He loves me but at the same time fears me 💪🏻😁. 2020 will require more lesson sessions for us but I’m so ready for it kuya because I love you so so much... 

 

I pray 2020 brings better health! 

I am super grateful for the blessings that are pouring despite the challenges.

Thank you Lord God for looking after our family and our friends 🥰🙏🏼😘

Some dent this is 😔

Today... I lose a friend... or so I thought I have.

Well for my friend he chose to unfriend me... maybe, a week or a month ago. I just noticed it today. 

Normally I wouldn’t mind you know... FB is overrated most of the time... being friends on Facebook does not naturally mean you ARE really friends, some just want to get linked and maybe freely spy on you when they need to. My all-the-time better advise if you had been unlisted as a friend, is to RESPECT their decision because it is their wall after all. Maybe they are just going through something, they don’t want you to be bothered, or that you are just toxic on their walls.

In this case it feels a little bit different because although I want to just let it slide, I somehow feel guilt. My inner self believes I’ve done nothing out of ‘my normal’ to have cause this... but sometimes doing nothing is just the problem. I may not have done enough for a friend that is silently going through something 😢.

As the shitty me had been in the past... my indifference to situations failed me once more... I don’t know how I’m allergic to melodramatic situations. Even in my choices of movies and books, I would opt for the lighter happy-ending tone. I cannot handle straight-to-the-core conversations that would expose feelings and  uncontrolled emotions. I fear stress that involves dealing with other people’s sensitive moments... 

so I hid, i disappeared in thin air, or as my father once told my pals, just evaporate!

And my instinct tells me this is the reason...

It’s sad, for a self-proclaimed good judge of people’s characters... I know that this persOn who belongs to the choosy-but-real-friends club is for keeps. I have quiet a few friends who truly pick who they want to spend their valued moments... surely not the collector type but when they do invest in relationships... you’ll be sure to have signed up for a lifetime friend. It’s frustrating, though, that they get too moody and sometimes shallow, they act on impulse and tend to hate everybody for every little things 😕

I pray that my friend finds peace within. I feel sorry I failed to act ‘the friend’ when I know I was needed. It has not been the first time this happened. I know I’m distant and a lousy friend  😢

I pray for myself that I’ll find the courage to go out of my comfort zone and connect, as in truly connect with people because in this world of pretensions, it matters, self, IT MATTERS! 😭

Chaste in Haste

Chase wants to grow in haste
He strides as if in a race
And moves like he’s in a maze

He loves to eat whatever the taste
Throws his toys just to displace
Moves a lot like he owns the space
And answers back as if he has a case

He extends his arm to every smiling face
Follows them up to their work place
Laughs with them like he has the ace
And dances to a simple lalala as if it’s the latest in music craze

We thank the Lord for His wonderful grace
Because Chase never stops to amaze
And ends our every day with a daze ♥

The Wake Up Call

Remember when I once said that I’ll bump my head one day and hope for the best that a magic fixing my untamable wild decisions will happen?!

Well… I didn’t bump my head… My tiny little brain did not initiate anything to try and follow the right path that is just so struggling to pull me the whole time… ugh!

So my ever dependable God gave me a taste of a good and a well-deserved bump! 

Aaaaawwwwtttssss talaga! 

There's a first time for everything... and this really was a first time. I wasn't drunk. REALLY! I had three beers and that is so ok for me and we were running at the speed of 40 kph because Aya and I were having a conversation the whole trip... yet still... my back wheel slid when I tried changing alley from the uncemented road (where i should rightfully be by the way) to the cemented one. So there... The Ultimate Judge said...

That's for going home late...

That's for drinking and driving...

That's for not being with Chase...

And i humbly accept being castigated... the pain the following day was really felt through from the skin to the fllesh to the bones. wow! (I opted to apply the medication myself while at the clinic, I was afraid I might punch the nurse when she applies it and it stings! ... at least i can't hurt myself more if I do it myself haha)

But then again... I have no regrets! It was fun while it lasted... and the accident was really quite an experience and educational in many aspects. I will not do it again BUT it doesn't mean I will stop having fun! Fun is good... Fun makes me alive! Hehe!

Padayon!

The Dreadfulness of Haloween

Taken in 2006: Creative Shot for Grad Pic

I feel the evilness creeping in me, distressingly wanting to escape the barricades I so strongly built to cage it.
I feel its desire to be liberated from the chain of moral issues tightly binding it to a wall of ethical behaviors.
I feel the blaze of the flames of inferno

Taken in 2009, Holy Week celebration

Yet I'm still blessed with the wisdom to know right from wrong
and a LITTLE virtue to follow the path that is good and turn my back to the havoc of bad karma

Taken in Boracay in Summer of 2007

But then again, desire may be persuasive and anything good might be tainted, scarred, polluted.
At times, you might find yourself slipping, no matter how tightly you cling on to sanity

Back in 2006 (forgot what hotel)

But if not for the one time shot of living a fucking meaningful life on this earth, I would let myself astray
The rule will always be that "If you foresee regret, leave that direction. Shut it. Forget it"

... of confused minds and feelings...

Current State: Foggy Brain

(I don't want to be the the kind of person who throws away eternal ramblings about simple things. I only started this blog as my way of expressing out feelings and thoughts that I cannot keep to myself else they will fester and grow deep down and threaten my most precious sanity. Only when the feelings get too interesting will I ever try to write it down and pour all that i can out so I may deeply sigh before I sleep and think that I am not alone in this).


I have learned in rather short years that there are people around you who will just do their part of messing with your life and that if you get too affected with it, you'll lose the game you never even imagined that you got into.

In the process you'll just have to learn how to deal with it although it's difficult to do so when these people are quite persistent. I find myself reading back to advices I've given friends and try to follow them but God what a failure i can be sometimes.

So I practice to lighten up things, laugh about it and try to find pleasure in it even though at times it's just too fucked up you won't know how to push through. I try not to hate people (egocentric that I am)... unlike before... i think that maybe... maybe they're just more messed up inside than the internal bleeding they're trying to inflict in me and then then my brain cells will conclude that i should understand them as much as i do myself.

(Note: I purposely did not get into details)

My Grudge

I don't want to keep grudges... they tend to eat me up.

But then...
how can you forgive a person who you know fooled and is still fooling people around
how can you forget the issues he turned around so that he
will come out as the holy one and the others become the evil ones...
how can you learn to free yourself from the trauma he brought
when he keeps on coming back and acts the way as he has always been....

          confident to the point of arrogance and the lack of concern for others

in the end... i fear...
for my faith, that it will become selective
for my friends, that they might be blinded and become victims
for my family that they may become the recipients of a renewed wrath from this air-filled minded man

I pray... I do...
I do wish this lump I'm having will just melt away
But there's something that is keeping me from doing so

Maybe until I find repentance in his actions
Maybe until I find admission in his eyes
Maybe until I find the change in his whole being

Maybe, maybe then... I can forgive.

fury

i would say "incompetent bitches!" but you know... i might be more often that kind of person than they are so I'll just say "peace out".

just avoid making typo errors that will eat out other people's precious time and efforts. kalurkei!