Learning and letting go

In a magical turn of things, I am lucky I get to hear your voice three to four times a week (well hopefully without you knowing it). It helps with the coping process of moving on and looking forward and enjoying what is actually in front of you. 

Today talks about how the past deserves appreciation but we should also learn to be actually living in the moment and getting the most of our actual (physical) present. I must admit, this is you letting go, in my ear. It cuts something deep in me. There is a rejection indirectly pointed out. But you’re right, we cannot be too attached with our past or we will find it hard to celebrate the present. 

I just want to put it out there that the past will always have a Priceless value to me although that is all that it is going to be. I will carefully choose to feel every  aspect of this ‘creative suffering’.

Borrowing your own words “flight over fight”... I will let you be happy with your flight so I may (hopefully) in mine.

I pray for better, bearable days. 

(Present state: learning to let go)

Forceful Steps Forward

Maybe this is how things should be on the road towards a silent ending. 

Urgh what a struggle to focus on this screaming and deafening reminder from the innermost sense of my brain emphasizing the lines...

 “no! don’t you dare deviate from the course this situation is leading now, can’t you see this is the chance to stay on track? And it might be the ONLY CHANCE! So brace up! Don’t sweat this”

...because my frustrated and hurt heart goes wailing at every turn in the very cramped space I allowed it to be weak and vulnerable 😭😭😭. 

Like a lunatic I give myself a pat on the shoulder minutes after cry outs for successfully blocking my every urge to reach you so far. But I must say, it is a frustrating path, a painful one. A heartbreaking journey of forceful steps forward being taken one ant step at a time... 

It is so weakening to stand up to self enforced principles just because you know that what is happening will eventually lead to the wisdom of the righteous... and  I am just crushed to be in the center of the fuckin famous lines that says “being right is not always what makes us happy. 💔”

From a distance

I have always been better at loving from a distance...

Experience-wise I am awful at expressly showing how I truly feel. I somehow acquired an innate automation in turning off self expressions that exposes vulnerability to situations. I have this irritating manner of deciding outright “hands-off” to situations I can’t seem to control or win over. Honestly, I find people too controlling in these situations and every time I do I really tend to back off. Comfort zones are there for a reason. They are our go-to place when situations are too overwhelming. 

We have our own pacing in dealing with life. Even the worrying on how it affects us and those closest to us varies in intensity... so it is never right to force things. 

Loving quietly, in a distance might sound sad but maybe not in mine... sometimes dealing with your feelings and your own issues alone and building up someone in you mind creates a better version of your emotional quotient 😉

Holding On

In a time of confusion, fear, loving, frustration, hopelessness... there is a self-struggle to assess, time and again, the meaning, the reason, the purpose of the present situation. This constant state of battling with feelings and ideals is, in its truest sense, exhausting. In the process, my daily game of Russian roulette is loaded with ammunitions varying from disturbed expectations, a heart broken and devoid of love, a floating hollow existence, a tricky dissembling happiness, and anti climactic victories. In the end, I always find it disheartening that I cannot come to terms with the finality of the conflicting decisions of my indecisive heart and seemingly perturbed thinking.

(State of mind: missing someone and fighting it)

Twisted Realities of the Present

Ever felt like being in the height of your own feelings and emotions, 

you feel like you are the  Center of all energy

and all that gravity is pulling you away from what you wholeheartledly decided to Love and protect

so you crash your Angel wings

crumple the halo

push out your devil horns

and set all your bodily thorns

ready to strike at every blaze of fire thrown

Well... I think I had, in the past

When I was younger 

Good thing I now know better

And it’s disorienting to see someone Go through something like that

I see her in the mindset of thinking that what she’s doing is right

That her family does not deserve any apology from her end

That she is better off being with this someone she just met than going home to her own family 

Its infuriating to think of the Selfishness behind these actions

Oh I just hope she’ll come around soon on her own realization

I hope pride Will not take its toll...

Parents do not deserve going through their grown up child’s foolish childish selfish decisions 

Im never the person good at meddling with other’s stuff even if I find it Wrong... anyway I don’t think it will do any good even if I push myself to, 

It is clearly not gonna work 
Given Her present twisted reality.

Dawa... Avek dana 😊

(Mindset : pissed at someone’s immaturity then I thought hey, I was once that person)

My 2020 Hole

It’s the first day of work for 2020 and boo, Cindy is not around anymore to add to the office craziness...

Cindy was with me when tourism opened its first official office, now we are in our third and best location yet... but somehow along the way she might have felt exhausted that she resigned to take care of their little cutie bundle, Winter Amian ❤️

Her last day at the Office (December 27, 2019)

I envy her at some point because she had the courage to leave even if her finances afterwards are uncertain. 

I envy her for now having her full time taking care of her daughter 

I envy her for she won’t get stressed with the daily havoc of having to deal with clients

But more than that 

I love her for the energy she gave wholeheartedly to the office

I love her for deciding to take the road less travelled

I love her for what she wants herself and her family to be

Thank you Cindy... 

I am missing you a lot... we all do.

I pray for your happiness and of Jhai and Winter.

There is no goodbye for us... 

Not seeing you five days a week surely made a hole in our hearts but knowing that you are happy lessens the gloomy feeling.

So we will see you around...

Make up for this hole you made...

right pretty? ❤️😊

In retrospect

2019 had been kind... not all that stress-free but all in all, bearable.

There were certainly moments when I was forced to look stronger than what I really felt because I know my love ones depended on that reliable fake facade and so I did. And I am thankful that I was given that courage if only to lessen the worries of others, especially my Eric ❤️.
I learned to take things lightly... I was lucky to have stumbled upon a book at book sale that inspired me a lot... every page of it is so worth the read. It is now one of my priced possessions ❤️

I don’t know what’s in store for 2020. I pray for the best. I know work will be as demanding as ever with two direct reports leaving but I am grateful to have a working boss that clearly knows what she wants and office companions that are equally dedicated to deliver better service. The team I had in 2019 were so talented and responsible... for that alone I am grateful 🙏🏼

At home, Chase turned to be a sweet little kid at six. He clings so much at mommy though. Doesn’t want to eat without me sitting beside him, does not lay down on bed if I’m not sleeping with him, even fears taking a bath with ama without me inside the bathroom too 🙄. He finds comfort with my presence and I think its cute but I don’t want him to overdo it. I’m glad that he now listens more when given instructions and seldom (almost never) throws tantrums. He loves me but at the same time fears me 💪🏻😁. 2020 will require more lesson sessions for us but I’m so ready for it kuya because I love you so so much... 

 

I pray 2020 brings better health! 

I am super grateful for the blessings that are pouring despite the challenges.

Thank you Lord God for looking after our family and our friends 🥰🙏🏼😘

Some dent this is 😔

Today... I lose a friend... or so I thought I have.

Well for my friend he chose to unfriend me... maybe, a week or a month ago. I just noticed it today. 

Normally I wouldn’t mind you know... FB is overrated most of the time... being friends on Facebook does not naturally mean you ARE really friends, some just want to get linked and maybe freely spy on you when they need to. My all-the-time better advise if you had been unlisted as a friend, is to RESPECT their decision because it is their wall after all. Maybe they are just going through something, they don’t want you to be bothered, or that you are just toxic on their walls.

In this case it feels a little bit different because although I want to just let it slide, I somehow feel guilt. My inner self believes I’ve done nothing out of ‘my normal’ to have cause this... but sometimes doing nothing is just the problem. I may not have done enough for a friend that is silently going through something 😢.

As the shitty me had been in the past... my indifference to situations failed me once more... I don’t know how I’m allergic to melodramatic situations. Even in my choices of movies and books, I would opt for the lighter happy-ending tone. I cannot handle straight-to-the-core conversations that would expose feelings and  uncontrolled emotions. I fear stress that involves dealing with other people’s sensitive moments... 

so I hid, i disappeared in thin air, or as my father once told my pals, just evaporate!

And my instinct tells me this is the reason...

It’s sad, for a self-proclaimed good judge of people’s characters... I know that this persOn who belongs to the choosy-but-real-friends club is for keeps. I have quiet a few friends who truly pick who they want to spend their valued moments... surely not the collector type but when they do invest in relationships... you’ll be sure to have signed up for a lifetime friend. It’s frustrating, though, that they get too moody and sometimes shallow, they act on impulse and tend to hate everybody for every little things 😕

I pray that my friend finds peace within. I feel sorry I failed to act ‘the friend’ when I know I was needed. It has not been the first time this happened. I know I’m distant and a lousy friend  😢

I pray for myself that I’ll find the courage to go out of my comfort zone and connect, as in truly connect with people because in this world of pretensions, it matters, self, IT MATTERS! 😭

Chaste in Haste

Chase wants to grow in haste
He strides as if in a race
And moves like he’s in a maze

He loves to eat whatever the taste
Throws his toys just to displace
Moves a lot like he owns the space
And answers back as if he has a case

He extends his arm to every smiling face
Follows them up to their work place
Laughs with them like he has the ace
And dances to a simple lalala as if it’s the latest in music craze

We thank the Lord for His wonderful grace
Because Chase never stops to amaze
And ends our every day with a daze ♥

The Wake Up Call

Remember when I once said that I’ll bump my head one day and hope for the best that a magic fixing my untamable wild decisions will happen?!

Well… I didn’t bump my head… My tiny little brain did not initiate anything to try and follow the right path that is just so struggling to pull me the whole time… ugh!

So my ever dependable God gave me a taste of a good and a well-deserved bump! 

Aaaaawwwwtttssss talaga! 

There's a first time for everything... and this really was a first time. I wasn't drunk. REALLY! I had three beers and that is so ok for me and we were running at the speed of 40 kph because Aya and I were having a conversation the whole trip... yet still... my back wheel slid when I tried changing alley from the uncemented road (where i should rightfully be by the way) to the cemented one. So there... The Ultimate Judge said...

That's for going home late...

That's for drinking and driving...

That's for not being with Chase...

And i humbly accept being castigated... the pain the following day was really felt through from the skin to the fllesh to the bones. wow! (I opted to apply the medication myself while at the clinic, I was afraid I might punch the nurse when she applies it and it stings! ... at least i can't hurt myself more if I do it myself haha)

But then again... I have no regrets! It was fun while it lasted... and the accident was really quite an experience and educational in many aspects. I will not do it again BUT it doesn't mean I will stop having fun! Fun is good... Fun makes me alive! Hehe!

Padayon!